


Someday

by KaijinKyn



Category: Hatoful Kareshi | Hatoful Boyfriend
Genre: Cigarettes, Domestic Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, M/M, Post-Canon, Pyrophobia, References to Depression, Smoking, Sunsets, Walks In The Park
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-16 19:54:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10578378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaijinKyn/pseuds/KaijinKyn
Summary: Shuu wouldn’t say that he was particularly inclined towards any time of the year, were someone to ask him. The notion of having a ‘favourite’ season was absurd, as was having an opinion on any man-made construct in its entirety. However, if he were held at gunpoint and told to pick one he preferred over the others, ‘autumn’ is most likely what his reply would be.





	

**Author's Note:**

> UM THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE CUTE IM SO SORRY

Shuu wouldn’t say that he was particularly inclined towards any time of the year, were someone to ask him. The notion of having a ‘favourite’ season was absurd, as was having an opinion on any man-made construct in its entirety. However, if he were held at gunpoint and told to pick one he preferred over the others, ‘autumn’ is most likely what his reply would be.

It wasn’t as if he had an emotional connection to that season, nor did he believe other birds did either - it was a purely aesthetic attraction, as was any attraction towards things that were abstract.

“What’s your favourite season, doctor?” Nanaki’s voice was light, as it was usually. Everything about Nanaki was light, from his golden hair to his beige sweater and shawl, the only exception being his blank, slate grey eyes - and it wasn’t as if Shuu could see any of that gold, anyway, his colour-blindness rendering the point moot - still, he remembered a time when Nanaki had been dark greys and red scarves and browns close enough to red for Shuu to be able to process them in his limited vision.

Shuu did not _like_ Nanaki’s light. He hadn’t liked Hitori’s dark, either, but he would rather have a splash of red over the all-encompassing grey that invaded Shuu’s everyday life.

“...Autumn.” Shuu didn’t quite _force_ the word past his lips so much as he would have liked, it escaping his mouth before he could really decide whether he wanted to reply or not. His mouth was dry and his throat sore - it was the first thing he’d said today, apparently, though Shuu could have sworn they’d had a conversation this morning. Or had that been yesterday? He was unsure. Time blurred a lot now, stuck in a wheelchair he’d never asked for and looked after by a bird who hated his very being.

He could not work. Could not research, could not experiment and even if he could, what was the point? There was no goal to reach for, no shadow to chase after and no life left for Shuu to live aside from this pathetic, dull, _domestic_ mockery of an existence.

“...Oh? I hadn’t expected you to actually answer.” Nanaki replied, tone curious but still cheerful. Shuu really hadn’t spoken at all today then. He didn’t care, Nanaki never made good conversation anyway - the only thing the other was good for was being a bloody canvas for Shuu to paint on and the enjoyment he’d taken from that had died alongside the use of his legs.

“If you didn’t want an answer, you shouldn’t have asked.” It hurt to talk, he vaguely recalled not being bothered enough to even get out of bed and eat or drink, Nanaki having to drag his body into his wheelchair just to take him outside-- Oh. He was still in his nightwear. _Wonderful_.

“I never said I didn’t want an answer, doctor, just that I hadn’t expected it! You haven’t spoken to me all week.” There was nothing in Nanaki’s voice that indicated Shuu’s attitude had bothered him, only that constantly uplifted tone that Shuu clung to like a rock so as to ground himself.

Normally the other’s manner of speaking annoyed Shuu - it was somebody else’s voice, someone else’s lilting words and soft vowels that Nanaki _(Hitori)_ had stolen - but he didn’t care today. He held on and was glad that the other’s voice didn’t change, because Shuu didn’t know if he could handle hearing the other pity him today. “Do you want something to drink? Your throat sounds sore-”

“No.” Shuu’s denial was flat and quick, not bothering with pleasantries. They had no reason to be pleasant with each other and Shuu didn’t like nor need Nanaki’s constant mothering. He couldn’t walk, but that didn’t make him useless. It just made things… Harder.

They came to a stop at a fairly generic looking bench, Nanaki leaving Shuu parked beside it while the teacher sat down. Taking in his surroundings for the first time, Shuu was immediately aware of the _red_ that was everywhere, as well as the lack of people. It was calm. Too calm.

His relationship with the other was built on extremely rocky foundations, what they called ‘trust’ being a rickety old building constantly threatened with toppling off the cliff they’d built it on. Nanaki did not leave nor enter the house without his gun and Shuu made it a priority to always have a knife or syringe on hand whenever possible - he felt naked without something to defend himself with and in his pajamas he most certainly didn’t have anything at that moment. No doubt the other had his weapon - perhaps Nanaki was planning on killing him here?

Turning his head to give Nanaki his most suspicious look, Shuu watched the other dig into a plastic bag he’d apparently brought with him, offering the produced bottle of water to Shuu - though, perhaps ‘offered’ differed from ‘shoved it into Shuu’s hands’. Either way, Shuu did not want it and he pushed it back towards the other with a small scowl.

“Drink, Isa.”

“I don’t want to, Uzune.” Nanaki’s smile tightened at that for a second before the tension in his face melted back into the usual peacefulness, but that was enough for Shuu - the feeling of having irked Nanaki enough to react was the closest Shuu could get to pleasure these days, satisfaction running down his spine. It wasn’t the sexual kind of pleasure, only the kind that came from knowing that he’d ‘won’ that short battle even after apparently being out of it for a week.

With a sigh and a shrug Nanaki turned away from the other, replacing the water and taking out - a small, rectangular box, Shuu’s mouth twisting in unpleasantness at the realisation of what the other had brought along. Nanaki knew he smoked, probably knew he hadn’t in awhile and- what, was _concerned_ about his lack of keeping up with his habit?

“I thought you wanted me to drop smoking?”

“These aren’t for you.” Shuu’s eyebrows arched for a moment, surprise on his face before he snorted, shaking his head and leaning back in his chair while looking dully into the forest of red in front of him, eyes watching the leaves on the trees shift with the wind. It was cold, he wasn’t wearing shoes and nightwear wasn’t exactly made for going out in - but he wasn’t about to admit that to Nanaki.

“You don’t smoke.” He felt more than saw Nanaki glance at him, all too aware of the amused smile on the other’s lips as he replied.

“You haven’t exactly paid much attention to me over the past week. Who knows what I might have picked up?”

“You don’t _smoke_.” Shuu repeated, tone irritable as he turned to glare at Nanaki again, the other now holding a lighter in his free hand - Shuu flinched away from the flame as if Nanaki had held it to his skin, vague surprise flickering across Nanaki’s face for a moment before it settled into sharp amusement that wasn’t very humorous at all.

“Are you scared of fire, doctor?” Shuu scowled, forcing himself to relax - though it didn’t do him much good, still pressed as far away from the other as he could in his chair. He wasn’t _scared_ \- well, he wasn’t about to admit to Nanaki that he was, in any case. He had no excuse as to why he might be, not really, especially when he used it so often himself - but that was a controlled situation. In the hands of someone like Nanaki or even just fire by itself… “That’s funny. I don’t recall your brother being the one who threw himself into one.”

Shuu had no reason to be afraid. Nanaki did and he had good cause as to why he might - yet Shuu couldn’t help but shy away, terror reflected in wide violet eyes as Nanaki leant towards him, over the arms of both the park bench and Shuu’s chair, holding the lighter ever closer to Shuu’s skin.

‘Just to see’, that was always their excuse - perverted, horrible curiosity, hurting one another simply to get a reaction, intrigued to find a new weakness or maybe something else, something that hurt in a good way and made them both want _more_. This was not one of those times for Shuu - fire scared him for completely irrational reasons. Perhaps it was the subconscious reminder of his flesh burning under the effects of the bombs that had killed his parents and robbed him of most of his sight and half his body.

Whatever it was, it showed on his face and Nanaki observed silently, head tilted and expression blank as he watched Shuu’s breathing stutter and hitch, fear turning his skin pallid white under the fire and the slowly dying sunlight around them. For a moment, neither moved, Shuu unable and unwilling to defend himself without a weapon - until Nanaki shifted away, apparently having grown bored of frightening the partridge.

He spoke while Shuu took a moment to regain his sense, grounding himself on the sight of Nanaki prepping a cigarette and dragging on it slowly. So he really… Had taken up smoking? Despite himself, Shuu felt the slightest twinge of responsibility. He’d set a bad example for the other and probably left them lying around again. They helped Shuu reduce stress for himself, just like they’d helped Dr. Kawara all those years ago - but Nanaki was never meant to have picked it up. He was supposed to be the responsible one between them both.

“Don’t you want to know mine?” Nanaki often looped conversations in circles, constantly tying them into messy bows that only ever frayed at the edges. Shuu was unsure when the other started doing that, probably around the time he’d stolen the identity of somebody else and finally relinquished what was left of his sanity, though it wasn’t like Shuu himself was much better.

“...What?” Still, it wasn’t in Shuu’s job description to help Nanaki differentiate between dreams and reality - the quail slept so much he probably wasn’t even aware half the time either. Shuu had adapted to Nanaki’s strange thought process the best he could, but he still got lost along the way sometimes. It was easier to just ask for directions than try and follow the map he’d never been given.

“My favourite season. Aren’t you curious?” Shuu didn’t care. He’d partaken in the conversation on a whim that hadn’t been his own and too much had happened in between then and now for him to be bothered. He wanted to go back to his bed and just stop thinking for another week; where he wouldn’t have to worry about Nanaki picking up his habits. He was cold and the sun was setting and he wanted to go _home_.

“No.”

“It’s winter.” There was a pause, Shuu watching the smoke rise from Nanaki’s cigarette and feeling the soft tug of addiction in his chest - but it was smothered by his apathy and the vague feeling of wanting at least one of them to be responsible for the other. He also didn’t care enough to want to continue the conversation, but- “Why is yours autumn?”

“Why do you _think_? _”_ Shuu sneered back, unable to keep the contempt out of his voice. Nanaki looked genuinely curious as he glanced over, grey eyes soft despite Shuu’s tone. Nanaki’s mood fluctuated like the tides - looking at him now, you’d be hard-pressed to believe he’d been threatening Shuu with a lighter only minutes ago. Keeping up with him was too much effort sometimes.

“Is it because you like the way the leaves turn red?” Shuu’s colour-blindness wasn’t something that came up often in conversation - it was a minor, hand-waved subject that was included in his personnel files and only mentioned when Shuu was offered food of differing colours or needed help figuring out his outfits, though most of them were identical for the sake of convenience. Nanaki was, of course, aware of this. They’d both been through the other’s records due to their mutual distrust, so it wasn’t like there were many secrets between them.

“Congratulations. You solved the mystery.”

“Ahaha.” Nanaki looked, for a moment, as if he wanted to say something - but once again his attention was diverted, entire body pausing mid-movement before he turned back to Shuu, the smile on his face casual.

There were a lot of things that Nanaki did that reminded Shuu of Dr. Kawara; his constant smiling, his permanently closed eyes. Getting lost in his thoughts was another. It wasn’t like it mattered, all of it just made Shuu hate the other more and simultaneously grow increasingly tired with Nanaki’s presence. He was far from high-energy, but the memories were enough to make Shuu want to sleep forever. “Hey, doctor. Do you know why the sunset is red?”

“Of course I do, Nanaki, I did not study science for nothing.”

“I wasn’t asking.”

“Yes you- ugh. What’s your point?”

“Have you ever really looked at the sunset?”

“I see no reason to. Nature does not interest me.”

“Humour me, Iwamine!”

“This is a waste of my tim-” Shuu begun to speak, eyes drifting away from the other’s face, but as his focus was caught by the sky the words curled up and died in his mouth, violet eyes widening slightly at the sight. He recalled a vague memory from his childhood - the same image but with _more_ , blues and oranges and pinks that he remembered the names of but not what they looked like, observing them silently through his window, unable and unwilling to open the locked bedroom door.

He hadn’t looked at the sunset since he lost the ability to see those colours, but he hadn’t expected to see the sky dyed the same shade of red as the blood that he loved so much, despite knowing it was possible. Why had he put it off? Perhaps… It was the same thought he carried with him wherever Nanaki took him; he didn’t deserve to enjoy such sights, such beauty. He had _failed_ , hadn’t he? Dr. Kawara would have been disappointed in him, were he still alive - that’s what Shuu told himself, at least.

“See? It’s pretty, right?” Nanaki’s voice cut through his self-degrading thoughts, the doctor glancing back over at the other and once again being shocked into silence, admiring the way the sun bathed Nanaki in a soft red glow. He’d never found the other quite so… Beautiful, before.

It was a purely aesthetic attraction. Nanaki looked the same bathed in blood. But the setting was softer than their room with the sweat-soaked sheets, the air was chillier where their bodies weren’t tangled together and there was no lust to be found in Shuu’s eyes.

“...Don’t push it, Nanaki.”

“Are you cold?”

“No.” Despite Shuu’s denial, Nanaki got to his feet anyway, pulling a blanket out of his apparently endless plastic bag - because of course he’d brought one along. Shuu had no choice but to sit and wait as Nanaki leant over him, wrapping the (admittedly) soft blanket around Shuu’s shoulders before bending over the other slightly, looking down at the ever-shorter doctor with a kind smile.

“How’s that?” Shuu glared up at him without much meaning or force behind the act, more confused than anything - Nanaki fluctuated between kind and cruel so much it was like trying to throw a dart at a spinning board. Then again, that was a good way to describe their relationship, if anything - a roulette wheel of disaster and ruin.

Shuu was dragged from his thoughts when soft, slender fingers gently cupped Shuu’s chin, the doctor turning into the touch if only to angle his face away from Nanaki’s - he knew where this was going, it was a familiar procedure and one Shuu despised. Still, Nanaki was in control here as he always seemed to be when it came to Shuu these days (and how he hated that, the feeling of _knowing_ that no matter what he was dependant on the help of this madman) and he lifted Shuu’s face, their lips close enough to touch, Nanaki pressing forward without the usual hunger behind his actions.

He tasted like mangoes and cigarette smoke. Like the chill of late autumn moving into winter, like the freedom Shuu did not have. He tasted like blood and hate and anger and anguish, the domestic life they’d settled into that only suited one of them.

There was a gentleness here that Shuu wasn’t accustomed to, far too used to the other’s fingers yanking cruelly on his hair, forcing their lips together as they bled and sweat and shifted against one another. Here, Nanaki was being sweet, gentle almost - perhaps he’d wanted to see what it felt like. No doubt Nanaki wished he had a real relationship with someone kinder than Shuu, someone who wouldn’t constantly threaten him with knives and experimentation. But they were all each other had - one type of insanity for another. It was almost perfect, in a terrible way.

“...Why?” It was all Shuu could manage once Nanaki pulled away, throat still raspy and sore, his confusion making words harder than they needed to be. Nanaki’s fingers were still on his chin, holding him in place gently - Shuu was too exhausted from the day's events to bother moving away anyway.

“It was my prize. For guessing correctly.” Nanaki’s voice was soft as his fingers slid up the side of Shuu’s face, gently smoothing over the top of Shuu’s hair before he moved his hand away, lips pursed perhaps not quite with disgust, just distaste. “You need a bath. Your hair is greasy.”

“You can wash it, then.” Shuu mumbled, eyes lidded - it was a rare inversion of roles for Shuu to be sleepy rather than Nanaki, but the other’s ministrations had surprisingly calmed him and he was still so tired. He wanted to curl into his bed again and sleep, he wanted Nanaki to join him there. But he couldn’t ask the other for such a gentle thing, not that Nanaki would ever grant him that. They both had lives to live, Shuu just needed to find his will to partake in it again - and he would. He just wanted to doze a little longer.

“I’ll run you a bath, but you can wash your own hair. You aren’t completely useless, right?”

“...Mm.” He’d walk again and he’d experiment again and, with any luck, Nanaki would kiss him again like that someday. But until then it was wheelchairs and mango tea and teeth marks on the insides of his thighs, and Shuu couldn’t find it in himself to complain.


End file.
